Is this it?

Its raining outside. My phone is silent. It's saturday night.

I really don't feel like documenting this moment right now. Mostly because I don't want to remember it.

But for some reason I feel compelled to write something. I thought about suicide tonight. I just feel like im in a very low place. It's almost like after all the work ive put in thus far in this journey we call life I have nothing to show for it. Really im just tired of feeling alone. If I wanted to talk to someone right now I have not a clue who I would call, who would actually want to listen. On the outside, to almost everyone, im sure I seem like a confident happy person. But inside I feel empty and alone. I've learned thus far in my life that no one wants to deal with someone who is depressed or is having issues in one form or another so I hide it. I hide behind a veil that i've built up over the years. I want scream out for help, but I can't, I feel like no one would want to listen and no one would want to deal with me in the end. My whole life I have felt used. I don't want to sound selfish but can't someone just step out of their way for me just once. I cried tonight, I can't remember the last time that's happened. In the middle of writing this my mom text me, "Im thinking of you and I love you." For some reason it just made me break down. I cried and my nose started to bleed. Kind of a strange turn of events.

I suppose ill make the most of this night.

Good god!

I can not believe the number of fat disusting people I see in places like malls. What is it about malls, amusement parks etc. That attracts these sorts? I'll tell ya what if this is an accurate cross section of America I a
seriously scared. It really helps me understand why America is hated by oher countries. Were a bunch of fat spoiled assholes with a sense of entitlement. I don't know how you can get any lower, overweight, ugly, rude, stuckup, you name it.

I could seriously blog everyday about this.

Are we human

The past few days have been really strange for
me. I don't think I've taken my own advice about no caring anymore. It's just been strange. I feel empty at times like I'm numb with a hole where my emotion and drive and passion used to be. Then, at times I feel angry and want to smash something over my head. It kinda sucked!

I have really discovered that happieness is really just being happy with yourself Jo
matter what. It won't matter how much pussy or money whatever you have you can still be depressed. I decide what kind of outlook I'm going to have, and if I do that the rest will follow.

Content

So here I am. Sitting in chipolte on my iPhone and I decided it was a good time to write something, er whatever.

Last night I went out with a girl who I used to really like but over the past few weeks kind of determined it was over. Suprisingly, things seemed great! Like I said in my previous blog, I had kind o turned needy. By the time I Hun out with her last night however, I was totally resigned to the idea that our relationship as I had known it was over. I didn't give a shit anymore... Almost like I had moved on. Hat attitude made me feel so much better when I was around her. And of course the needeyness was gone. We had fun and she was diggin me once again. I can say now that not giving a shit about the outcome is going to help me tremondously in my dating life.

I am again a man!

Ps I've gotten laid more in the past 3 months than ever before. What the heck am I worried about ne ways?

I feel. . . Undocumented :)

Holy shit my last post was kinda crazy!

Im really glad I don't feel like that anymore. So much has happend since my last post on this thing. I really don't know why I haven't posted on this thing in so long. So I guess we'll just run through a readers digest style update: I moved downtown to a place with joe. Ive had new women in my life. I've drank partied and been marry almost all summer long. I finally got promoted at work. Its now the end of july and the last time I posted was spring! I guess there's just too much to tell.

I think i'm still learning a lot about myself lately. I've gotten simi serious with a girl only to later discover i've in a way reverted back to doing the things that were loosing me girls so many years ago. I became needy and soft. I feel like I lost focus on the self work i've done to get me to where I am now with women in my life. I've gotten laid more in the last year then any other year in my life. I mean way more.

I for sure need to refocus and recalibrate myself again. I can't let things spiral out of control anymore! I need to stand up for myself again and be bold, be confident in myself and everything I do. Most importantly, I need to stop careing about what everyone thinks of me. I need to stop being afraid of loosing what I have because ultimatly that outlook is what is going to cause me to fail.

Be a man. Do your thing and live your life!

I guess from time to time

Everyone hits a point where they feel worthless. Thats me right now.

I feel like i have nothing. Im drunk and retarded.

My agression makes me want to kill. To hurt anyone who has ever hurt me.
My anger fills me up. Thoughts of suicide.


I feel worthless. . . .

I am not a man. . . . because of what . . . I am not a man because I cannot.

I think what needs to happen is. . . I need to work. and focus. Unapologeticly become who i want to be.


FUCK YOU

Back on top

The feeling of spring is in the air! (well sort of). And its almost doe season ;)!

Ive noticed lately that im back on top of my game and things are looking up. Im on the verge of getting into a relationship with someone who I really enjoy being around. Im not sure how things are going to play out yet, but i guess we'll see.

I've kinda noticed that when things are going good in my dating life, I don't write here as often. Or maby thats just all in my head.

Oravau

It's time for another list.

I think its time to again put some things in perspective and list out some things I want to improve on over the next few weeks/months. Ill also list things im good at so I can use these things more to my advantage.

• Im way to nice. Thats weird to say because I thought I mos def didn't have a problem with this. But its true, I think I have more become a pushover so to speak. I need to start presenting more of a challenge. Throw in hoops, don't jump through others hoops. I need to overall be more assertive.

• On that same note I need to be more dominate. Be a sexual male and be proud of it.

• I need to stop giving a shit, for real.

• I have plenty of experience to have the confidence. But I need to put my confidence into action. My life is 200x richer and more exciting and full of awesome people than the average person in the world. I need to believe in myself.

• Building on that. . . I need to do more approaches. Simple.

• I need to start using a method, put everything ive learned into a plan that is an atom bomb!

• Stop being emotionally reactive to things that don't go my way.

• I need to slow down sometimes. In otherwords I don't need to talk so much to try to keep someones attention.

• I need to flirt/tease/be sexually playfull.. MORE!

• Make things sexual, faster. Kino way more etc.

• Don't be afraid to pull the trigger or take a risk.

• During my interactions im comeing off way to needy i think. Again, I need to slow down and make most of what I say MEAT! and stay away from the crap talk just trying to keep her from walking away.

• I need to not ever look for approval.

• Use push pull more!!!! This goes along with flirtatious.

• No more looking for reactions!

OK!!! Now for things im good at.

• My conversation skills are awesome. I can have a 1 hr convo with pretty much any stranger on the planet. I need to use this and put is somewhere productive when im out. Put these skills towards attraction instead of random conversation.

• I have good body language. I need to make sure I maintain it.

• I can amp my energy, but I need to learn how to control that energy and focus twards my game instead of being excited and energetic just for the sake of.

• I very VERY good and reading body language and at calibrating socially. This is both a blessing and curse, and I think its something i was kind of born with. I can pretty much read a person without them even talking, but at the same time I can be very sensitive to social miscalabrations or "aquwardness." Sometimes I wish I was more dumb in this area. But I need to use it to my advantage.

• I know how to have a good time.

• I have competence. I am a good teacher but I do really need to put my money where my mouth is. CONSISTENTLY!

-Thats all for now, this list of course is always up for amendment.

Lookout!

Damn im reflecting on my last post right now.

I can say that tonight im kind of reflecting on what happend at the end of tonight. To make along story short, my sexuality was questioned in a way that was very demeaning. Now, I can say that I am compleatly comfortable in saying that I am a 100% straight, sex hungry man, but something about the way it went down really hit a nerve. Ya know, the kind that makes you want to knock someones face off. I don't think it was the fact that I was accused of being homo, it was more the way the guy was trying to demean me, for no reason at all, other than I outweighted him in every aspect of life.

To start off, tonight I kind of got off the normal grid and hung out with a group of hopeless guys. Ya know the type of guys who are insecure and frustrated. Thats fine with me, I have no prob doing something different from time to time. Then after the fact all the shit listed above happend. Damn ive never wanted to rip someones face off like that in a long time.

I think the way I handeled it was 50/50. The first 50 is that I constraied myself and didnt punch the douch in the face. The other 50 is that I didnt just walk away. I really should have just walked away never talked to the loser again, but for some crazy reason i perpetuated it. And its really bugging me now. I had the guy pegged as a dbag from the get go and thats how he ended up in the end: a DuschBAG. Should have left it at that. THE END

Insecurity perpetuates insecurity.

This is a topic ive been thinking about for awhile and have noticed it in a few of my friends. Ive been trying to decode exactly why this type of behavior happens. The story goes like this: An insecure girl is approached by a insecure guy. Everyone has seen it. The girl puts up the "bitch shield" and is standoffish. The guy throws it right back. Insecurity in ones self is one of thoes things that is a downward spiral. You put up walls because you are insecure and you are insecure because people around you do not react well because you have your walls up. Ive discovered that insecure people use one very common defense mechanism. And that is "meanness," or however you want to describe it. They perpetually try to look down their nose and everyone, trying to push their self esteem higher by making the people around them feel lower. Another reason for this guise is to mask the insecurities the person has. They are insecure that they have these demons so they put up a defense to make sure no one can discover their issues.

How have I come to these conclusions? Well a lot has come from observing some of my friends/people I am around a lot at work and such. But also because I used to do the exact same thing. Its almost like a subconscious thing. I didn't realize I was doing it until I looked back on what I was like the past few years. Likewise, i'm sure most people with social insecurities are in the same boat.

From my experience, I think there really is only one way to overcome this state of mind or ones insecurities: Practice. Practice breeds competence and confidence. But when were talking about practicing our social skills, the way to go about it is very different than lets say practicing your basketball free throws. But then again there are a lot of parallels. Much of it involves making a conscious effort to push yourself beyond your comfort zones, trying new things until what was once seemed unnatural or down right terrifying is comfortable and part of your reality. I also believe there is no end to this game. You cannot withdraw and come back at the same level. For example, when I started snowboarding I was super scared to go over the big jumps in the terrain park. I finally pushed myself to try it even though I enevability knew there was going to be some pain involved. After a number of runs though the park, the jumps I was at one time afraid of were suddenly no big deal and I was wondering why I was so worried about them in the first place. However, after a year off of snowboarding, I visited the same park and I was again fearful and right back where I started.

Random January Weekend.

I had a pretty durn good weekend. Thursday I went out with a few friends and had a good talk about work and what not, nothing too out of the ordinary. But good non the less. Friday night me some of the guys decided to go to a casino, which was fun, but after we discovered that it was a dry casino, it became 50% less fun. I didn't think such a thing existed. Drinking and gambling go together better than anything else I can think of. I randomly ran into a girl I know at the casino. I think its a testimate to how far ive come in the last year or so. I run into random people all over the place. I feel like people are drawn to be around me for maybe the first time in my life.

I've been talking a lot on here lately about how ive been in a rut and how I need to come out of it. I do know if kinda been MIA lately. I think I finally came out of it friday night. After the casino, we went downtown and had quite the time. It felt good. I fell right back into my old game. I was gettin AI's left and right, girls randomly grabbing my ass, opening me etc. It felt good. I think it just boils down to being confident and content with yourself. This equals happiness and also attractiveness. A person people are drawn to.

Friday night gives me the motivation to get better.

Religion

I decided to delete this post. I really just don't feel like writing about it anymore. :)

The Dog Whisperer

I was thinking today. Its scary the parallels between what is taught on that show and pickup/relationship management. :)

Heres to 2009!

I don't really know exactly why, but I have the craziest sleep schedule ever. Some days im tired as hell all day long but still stay awake until the freekin sun comes up the next morning. On days like today, I get 4 hours of sleep and im wide awake. Other days it seems like no matter what I can't get enough sleep.

I had a good night last night with some of the ol' pals. They came over to my place, watched a little football and went out to the local places I frequent. Im looking at the bottle graveyard all over my apt. right now and I really don't wanna clean it up.

As far as my pickup life is concerned: Im still not feeling all that great. I think I just sort of needed a break from the lifestyle for a little bit. It's probably overall a good thing. It's not healthy to be completely consumed by something for a long period of time. Ill just take this time too re-energize and re-focus my energy.

P.S. I just realized the title of this post has nothing to do with the post. But im not really worried about it.

P.P.S Eventually Ill start writing things that are more game related as I kinda get back into the swing of things. For now, even though this blog had kind of just been about whatever has been on my mind, im just gonna write what I want. So fuck you.

2009

1 year ago I can remember exactly where I was. In Omaha. Tonight of course was new years eve, and i would be lying to say im not a little drunk. :) Something came to me on our way home tonight. . . I asked a girl I was with if she had a good time tonight and she told me simply: no. It actually kind of suprised me. But in a way, it didn't. I hung out with this girl almost all night and I had a good time. Not the best time ever, but a good time non the less. This really raises an important question. What drives a person to have fun, or more importantly be happy? Really, its all individual. What happened tonight really reinforces the idea that you have to pursue and seek what fulfills you, not someone else. Your cup of tea may not be someone elseses. Also, another thing I have discovered: Find something to enjoy about every situation you are in. Someone in a good mood and having fun is an attractive person, and that is attractive. Nufffff said!!!