Is this it?

Its raining outside. My phone is silent. It's saturday night.

I really don't feel like documenting this moment right now. Mostly because I don't want to remember it.

But for some reason I feel compelled to write something. I thought about suicide tonight. I just feel like im in a very low place. It's almost like after all the work ive put in thus far in this journey we call life I have nothing to show for it. Really im just tired of feeling alone. If I wanted to talk to someone right now I have not a clue who I would call, who would actually want to listen. On the outside, to almost everyone, im sure I seem like a confident happy person. But inside I feel empty and alone. I've learned thus far in my life that no one wants to deal with someone who is depressed or is having issues in one form or another so I hide it. I hide behind a veil that i've built up over the years. I want scream out for help, but I can't, I feel like no one would want to listen and no one would want to deal with me in the end. My whole life I have felt used. I don't want to sound selfish but can't someone just step out of their way for me just once. I cried tonight, I can't remember the last time that's happened. In the middle of writing this my mom text me, "Im thinking of you and I love you." For some reason it just made me break down. I cried and my nose started to bleed. Kind of a strange turn of events.

I suppose ill make the most of this night.

Good god!

I can not believe the number of fat disusting people I see in places like malls. What is it about malls, amusement parks etc. That attracts these sorts? I'll tell ya what if this is an accurate cross section of America I a
seriously scared. It really helps me understand why America is hated by oher countries. Were a bunch of fat spoiled assholes with a sense of entitlement. I don't know how you can get any lower, overweight, ugly, rude, stuckup, you name it.

I could seriously blog everyday about this.

Are we human

The past few days have been really strange for
me. I don't think I've taken my own advice about no caring anymore. It's just been strange. I feel empty at times like I'm numb with a hole where my emotion and drive and passion used to be. Then, at times I feel angry and want to smash something over my head. It kinda sucked!

I have really discovered that happieness is really just being happy with yourself Jo
matter what. It won't matter how much pussy or money whatever you have you can still be depressed. I decide what kind of outlook I'm going to have, and if I do that the rest will follow.

Content

So here I am. Sitting in chipolte on my iPhone and I decided it was a good time to write something, er whatever.

Last night I went out with a girl who I used to really like but over the past few weeks kind of determined it was over. Suprisingly, things seemed great! Like I said in my previous blog, I had kind o turned needy. By the time I Hun out with her last night however, I was totally resigned to the idea that our relationship as I had known it was over. I didn't give a shit anymore... Almost like I had moved on. Hat attitude made me feel so much better when I was around her. And of course the needeyness was gone. We had fun and she was diggin me once again. I can say now that not giving a shit about the outcome is going to help me tremondously in my dating life.

I am again a man!

Ps I've gotten laid more in the past 3 months than ever before. What the heck am I worried about ne ways?

I feel. . . Undocumented :)

Holy shit my last post was kinda crazy!

Im really glad I don't feel like that anymore. So much has happend since my last post on this thing. I really don't know why I haven't posted on this thing in so long. So I guess we'll just run through a readers digest style update: I moved downtown to a place with joe. Ive had new women in my life. I've drank partied and been marry almost all summer long. I finally got promoted at work. Its now the end of july and the last time I posted was spring! I guess there's just too much to tell.

I think i'm still learning a lot about myself lately. I've gotten simi serious with a girl only to later discover i've in a way reverted back to doing the things that were loosing me girls so many years ago. I became needy and soft. I feel like I lost focus on the self work i've done to get me to where I am now with women in my life. I've gotten laid more in the last year then any other year in my life. I mean way more.

I for sure need to refocus and recalibrate myself again. I can't let things spiral out of control anymore! I need to stand up for myself again and be bold, be confident in myself and everything I do. Most importantly, I need to stop careing about what everyone thinks of me. I need to stop being afraid of loosing what I have because ultimatly that outlook is what is going to cause me to fail.

Be a man. Do your thing and live your life!

I guess from time to time

Everyone hits a point where they feel worthless. Thats me right now.

I feel like i have nothing. Im drunk and retarded.

My agression makes me want to kill. To hurt anyone who has ever hurt me.
My anger fills me up. Thoughts of suicide.


I feel worthless. . . .

I am not a man. . . . because of what . . . I am not a man because I cannot.

I think what needs to happen is. . . I need to work. and focus. Unapologeticly become who i want to be.


FUCK YOU

Back on top

The feeling of spring is in the air! (well sort of). And its almost doe season ;)!

Ive noticed lately that im back on top of my game and things are looking up. Im on the verge of getting into a relationship with someone who I really enjoy being around. Im not sure how things are going to play out yet, but i guess we'll see.

I've kinda noticed that when things are going good in my dating life, I don't write here as often. Or maby thats just all in my head.

Oravau