Is this it?

Its raining outside. My phone is silent. It's saturday night.

I really don't feel like documenting this moment right now. Mostly because I don't want to remember it.

But for some reason I feel compelled to write something. I thought about suicide tonight. I just feel like im in a very low place. It's almost like after all the work ive put in thus far in this journey we call life I have nothing to show for it. Really im just tired of feeling alone. If I wanted to talk to someone right now I have not a clue who I would call, who would actually want to listen. On the outside, to almost everyone, im sure I seem like a confident happy person. But inside I feel empty and alone. I've learned thus far in my life that no one wants to deal with someone who is depressed or is having issues in one form or another so I hide it. I hide behind a veil that i've built up over the years. I want scream out for help, but I can't, I feel like no one would want to listen and no one would want to deal with me in the end. My whole life I have felt used. I don't want to sound selfish but can't someone just step out of their way for me just once. I cried tonight, I can't remember the last time that's happened. In the middle of writing this my mom text me, "Im thinking of you and I love you." For some reason it just made me break down. I cried and my nose started to bleed. Kind of a strange turn of events.

I suppose ill make the most of this night.

Good god!

I can not believe the number of fat disusting people I see in places like malls. What is it about malls, amusement parks etc. That attracts these sorts? I'll tell ya what if this is an accurate cross section of America I a
seriously scared. It really helps me understand why America is hated by oher countries. Were a bunch of fat spoiled assholes with a sense of entitlement. I don't know how you can get any lower, overweight, ugly, rude, stuckup, you name it.

I could seriously blog everyday about this.

Are we human

The past few days have been really strange for
me. I don't think I've taken my own advice about no caring anymore. It's just been strange. I feel empty at times like I'm numb with a hole where my emotion and drive and passion used to be. Then, at times I feel angry and want to smash something over my head. It kinda sucked!

I have really discovered that happieness is really just being happy with yourself Jo
matter what. It won't matter how much pussy or money whatever you have you can still be depressed. I decide what kind of outlook I'm going to have, and if I do that the rest will follow.